Possible Names for Our Testes (In Chronological Order)

In Honor of Brian Fantana:

Metal and Brawn.

Rich and Mahogany.

Sex and Panther.
Corningstone and Burgundy.
Baxter and Buddha.
Wheel and "Cheese.

Baxter and Little Gentleman.
Corningstone and that other attractive chick in the office.
I pooped and A Squirrel.
The Legend and Ron Burgundy.

Champ and Kind.
Brick and Tamlin.
Fantastic and Heiny.
Scotch and Scotch.
Diversity and Old Wooden Ship.
Channel 4 and News Team.

Grenade and Trident.
Baxter and Burritos.
Panda and Ching King.
Classy and San Diego.

Wes and Mantooth.
Scarecrow and Tin Man.

Unique and New York.
Lanolin and Sheep's Wool.

Super powers, part two

Spock,

If you could read my mind, you'd know that I think your answer was disappointing. If it was not at the end of a(n unprintable) 2,500-word email that was almost certainly longer than your senior thesis, I'd be more upset.

I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "Jumper" (gun to my head, I'd answer fairly confidently with a resounding "no"), but that gets my vote for best superpower. Basically, you can go anywhere you want, anytime. And bring people with you, as long as you hold on to them. If we're trying to impress chicks, what would be better? Saying what she wanted you to say or whisking her off to the top of the Eiffel Tower? Judging by The Actor Formerly Known As Anakin Skywalker's (TAFKAAS) success at wooing Rachel Bilson in "Jumper," I'm going to have to go with the latter. I'm not even sure TAFKAAS can speak.

But think about it. Need to fly? Sure. Just "jump" from point to point. Need money? Rob a bank. (This happens. A lot.) Want to be the first person to score a goal and get an assist on the same play? Done.

The one downside I've been able to come up with is that it was unclear in the movie if it was possible to go to a place you hadn't been/hadn't seen. However, TAFKAAS's partner with the Scottish accent (that's how you could tell he was a "rogue") seemed to have no trouble building a fort in the middle of what looked liked Siberia. I can't imagine he'd seen that before, although there were, admittedly, some C.C. Sabbathia-sized holes in the plot.

Which bring me to my next questions, namely, could you go to fictional places? The Battle of Hoth? The Shire? That pool party in Anchorman? I guess technically you'd just go to the movie productions of these things, but how about historical places. Could be be "The Midnight Ride of Noah Davis?" Maybe Eric could go back and be with his cousins, the Velociraptors? Or you could fire the shot heard round the world. Greg and Ed would be so jealous when they were reenacting a bullet you fired. That would make for some awkward family dinners.

Go forth and prosper,
Dr. McCoy

Super powers, part one

Bernard Madoff,
If I could choose any super power, it would be the ability to read minds. Because then I could pick up any girl, by simply saying what she wanted to hear (not that this is much different than my current life...ish). It would be quite impressive. More on that later, I only put it in because it's in the subject line, implying that I would discuss it. I really only wanted to tell you about my weekend and to hear about yours.

I don't know who is a bigger scumbag, me or you?
Love,
Rod Blagojevich

Edited for clarity and hilarity.

Sideline reporters part 7

launchpad,

one point before i switch the topic, as i feel that we have thoroughly exhausted sideline reporting: of course phil jackson has other books that weren't written by him, but he crossed out the author and wrote his own name in sharpie. for example, siddhartha by herman hesse phil jackson. the onion's our dumb world by chet clem phil jackson, the bible by jesus. (trick question. phil jackson is jesus.)

and so we progress to... fucked if i know. any thoughts? i was trying to come up with something based on your previous email, but i'm drawing a blank. my mind isn't what it once was. like yesterday. mostly, i really just wanted to write that phil jackson joke. i hope it sustains you through until my triumphant return tomorrow.

pants off, dance off,
darkwing duck

ps. how about we discuss the best super power?

[editor's note: at this point, one of the blog contributors had the audacity to take some time off to study for his finals. the other blog contributor traveled to boston and the pair drank together. there was little studying. there was no writing. there was awesomeness.]

Sideline reporters part 6

clay aiken,

i would also like to add two others to our list of people that I could watch sideline report anything: shaquille o'neal, because he'd be funny and everyone would look so small next to him and kate beckinsale - she is SUPER hot and has a british accent and I would love to watch athletes stare at her in delight as they try to decipher what language she is speaking because "it sure as hell ain't american." i also think that will ferrell could fit into this category, as long as the interviews are always either extremely outrageous or done as a different character (ron burgundy, mugato, the spartan cheerleader, frank the tank, ricky bobby, etc.)

i have some comments on your sideline picks (all of which, I loved by the way. I checked that email on a friends laptop during class and may or may not have disrupted class sightly. i did however have to inform the peers in my immediate circle of the emails and impending blog, so that they knew why i was laughing uncontrollably out loud. they especially appreciated the comment "tanner's a recovering crystal meth addict so i'm pretty sure she's available."

MLB - i'm totally ok with bob costas getting killed via line drive. fuck it, put jim nantz right next to him and see if we can kill two birds with one stone. along that line, it made me think of another entirely different strategy to sideline reporters. what if you took former athletes (putting to work you suggestion of using former athletes - which makes complete sense) and put them in an entirely different sport? like what if keyshawn johnson and mike ditka were the sideline reports in baseball? the styles of play (and therefore reporting) are so different from sport to sport that watching them awkwardly try to put into words what was going on in the field and subsequently ask relevant questions to those athletes would be pure entertainment. Plus, it would help our society to take athletes off the pedestal that we put them on. Oh Phil Simms isn't so smart and obnoxious when he is interviewing Greg Oden, is he? This would also give athletes who are smart and can think on their feet, a time to show their intellect and wit, by imparting some real knowledge about the game to someone who doesn't know as much (or maybe there is not enough intellect to go around for this to happen...)

NBA - dikembe needs to be brought back desperately. maybe he could be paired each game with a different failed child star, probably just out of rehab, that he has never heard of. (stephanie tanner, the olsen twins, the kid who played corey from boy meets world, macauley culkin, jaleel white (steve urkel), etc.) It would be better if they were out of rehab, but if not, it would be priceless to try to watch mutombo try to relate to them in any way. And they might not be able to understand what he was saying either. (phil jackson would probably give mutombo something out of his own collection, preferrably written by the basketball guru himself. i.e. http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Hoops-Spiritual-Lessons-Hardwood/dp/1401308813/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1228948853&sr=8-1 i was going to ask if you think phil jackson owns any books that weren't written by him or featured full page pictures. but then i realized that phil jackson is probably smarter than me. and bangs more chicks than me. and has a lot more money. and is generally pretty good at life (not better than me at that thought))

I am totally onboard with the ocho cinco "What's in a Name?" gameshow that has been posited by you. i am 100% willing to write this up and submit a proposal to all of the major cable/non-cable networks (somehow i feel like spiketv will probably pick it up, so they will be our "safety school" let's strive high...go big or go home)

joe namath would definitely work, but there needs to a clause in his contract of "4 drink minimum". otherwise, he might not do enough offensive stuff. i would also like to see bo jackson get back out there and give it a go. if the over/under were 60 seconds for him going from sideline reporter to attempting to somehow get back in the game, i would without a doubt take the under. first chance he got to hit someone or pick up a fumble, i bet he'd do it. and win. after all, he is the greatest athlete of all time. at the very least, he needs (and we, as American people, need) his own reality show..."Bo Knows..." Where he attempts to pick up a different profession on each thirty minute episode. It would be like dirty jobs, but Bo would actually try to become a professional in every sport (yes, even luge and figure skating) and then he would move on to any other profession that we, as executive producers, could think of - dentist, gas station attendant, 7-Eleven clerk (with an obvious staged robbery to entice Bo's "wild" side), YMCA lifeguard, dolphin trainer, IT guy, free lance journalist, etc. This is another idea that could really take off. I'll get proposal ready for submission.

btw, i did hear about the illustrious hernandez, reyes, unnamed girl eiffel tower threesome. apparently there is a sex tape involved. can't wait to see that one. well, maybe i CAN wait... unless said girl is heidi klum. or kate beckinsale.

thanks because somehow you outgay me,
lance bass

Sideline reporters part 5

t-pain

i like that between the two of us, we could only manage one, half-baked wnba joke. that says a lot about the league. it's like a trust fund kid with no tangible skills being propped up by her rich ass parents. just od on coke and die a respectable death. (That's not a joke; it's a fact.)

i'd like to add lil wayne to the list of 'people i'd watch sideline report anything.' now it's him and sean avery. we might save this profession yet.

MLB - bob costas, but only because there's a much better chance he'd get killed by a line drive standing on the third base line than he will in the commissioner's office.

NBA - good call on lohan, but she'd have to only do games in la or new york. anywhere else, and there's not nearly the same chance as a profanity-laced tirade about the papa-razzi, or as i like to call them, the david ortiz-arazzi. in lesser cities, i'd vote for a tandem of dikembe
mutumbo and stephanie tanner from full house. i'd hope that mutumbo would augment a player's answer to every question with a dramatic finger wag, and tanner's a recovering crystal meth addict so i'm pretty sure she's available. maybe joey could come on as a 'guest star' (loosely using that term) and do that 'cut. it. out.' thing he did with his fingers. imagine him and mutumbo having a finger signal war on the sideline while phil jackson looks on in disgust. (bonus question: what book would jackson give mutumbo if he was coaching him?)

NFL - forget ocho cinco being a sideline reporter. let's just get him his own show where he picks a name and people try to guess it. the entire half an hour would be a 'jaywalking' style shoot, where random people on the street guessed and they threw it back to ocho, who looked into the camera and simply said, 'not my name.' just imagine:
confused person on the street: 'corey dillon?'
johnson, stabbing pins into a marvin lewising season voodoo doll: 'not my name.'
second confused person: 'rumplestilskin?'
johnson, who stops creating an endzone celebration he'll never use: 'not my name.'
third confused person: 'turd ferguson?'
johnson: 'not. my. name.'
and so on until someone wins. kind of like 'who wants to be a millionaire,' there wouldn't be a time limit, so the same name could last multiple shows. the winner would get to pick the next name.
with johnson out of the picture, we need another sideline reporter, and i think the answer is obvious: joe namath: 'tom brady, i just want to kiss you.' (Yep, i went there.)

it occurs to me that instead of having former players provide 'color' (dumb comments, not the skin variety) in a two-man broadcast booth, they should be sideline reporters. if the ultimate goal of a sideline reporter is to get a coach or a player to say something interesting (we'll move beyond 'looking hot' for a second), wouldn't it behoove said reporter to have some previous relationship (presumably non-sexual) with the player/coach. throw keith hernandez in a conversation with jose reyes and maybe, just maybe, they forget they are being filmed and get talking about that time they Eiffel-towered a chick in Cincinnati.

i got a semi-auto and an s on my chest,
50 cent

Sideline reporters part 4

Jay Leno,

I was going to write a sideline reporter reply...but there is nothing more to say. That was perfect. I was actually think about it last night and it is definitely degrading to those women, who do it. They are solely in that role because they are good-looking, it really doesn't matter what is said or how well they do their job. Just look cute. It takes a man's thoughts off of testosterone for a minute and gives women someone of their kind to look at...that's really it. it is sad.

i laughed quite at your jonas brothers suggestion for the WNBA. or the cast of high school musical. they would serve the purpose than anyone else who might currently be in that role. i would add more, but i don't watch the WNBA ever. I don't know enough to even make funny jokes about it.

now onto you other question, which i love...who would make the best sideline reporters for each league. from the little information i know abobut him, sean avery could be the best for all sports, but we will stick him with hockey. i'd like to see jose canseco ask the questions to MLB baseball players and interviewing managers mid-game. either him, or john rocker. something offensive, yet hilarious would definitely be said. this could even add a little ballpark excitement to the fans in attendance; maybe a fight will break out or john rocker will wrestle with the pitcher for a chance to throw a "celebrity pitch" (like we would do in beirut). And you know what, why not allow it. The vans would vote on it using the infamous "applause-o-meter" and if it reaches some pre-determined level then john rocker gets to throw 2 pitches. the catcher cannot call a pitch and rocker can do whatever he wants. it like baseketball meets celebrity deathmatch meets the XFL. i would purchase tivo to watch this game. oh, and john rocker only does the game of the week with joe morgan, so hopefully some racial epithets could be tossed around.

NBA - let's have lindsay lohan doing the interviews in a bikini. tell me productivity would not go down in the league. right now, none of the bench players pay attention during timeouts anyway (they watch the big screen). what if they could be watching lohan interview phil jackson at halftime. hilarity will ensue. nevermind the fact that lindsay lohan is a walking time bomb and could, in lieu of an interview, unleash a profanity laced tirade about the papa-razzi. this would be just as entertaining as watching a monkey do chin-ups while eating whipped cream. and way better than anything we get right now.

NFL - get ocho cinco into retirement. and then into this role. no questions asked. he was made for this role. and the announcers have to call him by a new nickname each week, that is devised by ocho cinco during the coinflip and can be changed at any time. chad only responds to that given nickname and of course, if called by the wrong nickname, simply stares into the camera and says "that's not my name." imagine john madden and al michaels up in the booth, "Now we send it down to Ocho Cinco?" "That's not my name" "Sorry...uh...Fighting Mongoose, down to you." "Not my name anymore" (whispers...does anyone remember his name today) "Dammit, just tell us whats going on down on the field with jeff george's pectoral injury" "Still not my name." Chad's face is getting pouty/sillily giddy "My name is michelle andrews saeger...duh, john madden" (is sillily a word? add it to merriam-webster-hurley) I think these interactions would be fantastic. let me put a call into roger goodell.

your thoughts?

love...and sorry for stealing your job,
conan o'brien