Sideline reporters part 5

t-pain

i like that between the two of us, we could only manage one, half-baked wnba joke. that says a lot about the league. it's like a trust fund kid with no tangible skills being propped up by her rich ass parents. just od on coke and die a respectable death. (That's not a joke; it's a fact.)

i'd like to add lil wayne to the list of 'people i'd watch sideline report anything.' now it's him and sean avery. we might save this profession yet.

MLB - bob costas, but only because there's a much better chance he'd get killed by a line drive standing on the third base line than he will in the commissioner's office.

NBA - good call on lohan, but she'd have to only do games in la or new york. anywhere else, and there's not nearly the same chance as a profanity-laced tirade about the papa-razzi, or as i like to call them, the david ortiz-arazzi. in lesser cities, i'd vote for a tandem of dikembe
mutumbo and stephanie tanner from full house. i'd hope that mutumbo would augment a player's answer to every question with a dramatic finger wag, and tanner's a recovering crystal meth addict so i'm pretty sure she's available. maybe joey could come on as a 'guest star' (loosely using that term) and do that 'cut. it. out.' thing he did with his fingers. imagine him and mutumbo having a finger signal war on the sideline while phil jackson looks on in disgust. (bonus question: what book would jackson give mutumbo if he was coaching him?)

NFL - forget ocho cinco being a sideline reporter. let's just get him his own show where he picks a name and people try to guess it. the entire half an hour would be a 'jaywalking' style shoot, where random people on the street guessed and they threw it back to ocho, who looked into the camera and simply said, 'not my name.' just imagine:
confused person on the street: 'corey dillon?'
johnson, stabbing pins into a marvin lewising season voodoo doll: 'not my name.'
second confused person: 'rumplestilskin?'
johnson, who stops creating an endzone celebration he'll never use: 'not my name.'
third confused person: 'turd ferguson?'
johnson: 'not. my. name.'
and so on until someone wins. kind of like 'who wants to be a millionaire,' there wouldn't be a time limit, so the same name could last multiple shows. the winner would get to pick the next name.
with johnson out of the picture, we need another sideline reporter, and i think the answer is obvious: joe namath: 'tom brady, i just want to kiss you.' (Yep, i went there.)

it occurs to me that instead of having former players provide 'color' (dumb comments, not the skin variety) in a two-man broadcast booth, they should be sideline reporters. if the ultimate goal of a sideline reporter is to get a coach or a player to say something interesting (we'll move beyond 'looking hot' for a second), wouldn't it behoove said reporter to have some previous relationship (presumably non-sexual) with the player/coach. throw keith hernandez in a conversation with jose reyes and maybe, just maybe, they forget they are being filmed and get talking about that time they Eiffel-towered a chick in Cincinnati.

i got a semi-auto and an s on my chest,
50 cent